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It’s early, Paris.

It’s early and quiet and prime. It might not last on a windy day on the River Thames, but I can make it linger in my mind, perhaps even separate it from time.

This calm, this trust – these are my natural state. When I go back to it, I’m fine. Well, I may be a little sleepier but things will get done smoothly-er somehow, with minimal resistance.

Today I realised why I walk along the River Seine or simply retreat from the crowd after intensive socialising sometimes with just one person. It’s not because my energy is drained, say, from being gregarious for half a day; it’s because I feel misaligned. Negativity, and not volume, disrupts the flow. Correction: my perception of negativity disrupts the flow, and I am pretty perceptive – or pretty and perceptive! So, it’s my fault. I know. I take full responsibility.

Now, what do I perceive as negative? Is it other people’s sadness, instinctive fears, or guilt? No, I do not see honest and pure introspective emotions as negative, I don’t even see heartbreaks as negative – I’m an expert by this point. Everything that brings, potentially or eventually, someone inward and closer to understanding themselves, and, eventually, understanding others, or vice versa, is good in my book. All that can flow with my river. In fact, I could probably soothe you for hours in these cases and I’d feel content and energised afterwards. Inspired. However, dishonesty, mistrust, suspicion, jealousy and, as these things often lead to, injustice on others create blockages in my inner river like heavy rubbish, as subtly as they may be presented. I can’t carry them; I can’t carry them long.

When I moved to live on a boat floating on the river, the first thing I learned was that if you feel dizzy from the movements you go outside and look at the water. The movements in the water will match, or explain, the movements your body feels and you’ll feel better, or, as I call it, you’ll feel aligned. I got used to the movements pretty much instantaneously after understanding this from experiencing it once.

I had begun my connection with the River Seine long before I lived on a boat. Along it was when I found myself again a decade ago after losing it big time. It was the landmark of my owning my life completely in my hands, along with an absolute responsibility for it – package deal, when I was turning forty, almost two years ago, having left everyone who chained me, or kept trying to, behind. A bit late? Better late than turning up ugly, right? I’m talking about my soul, which is quite pretty, when I’ve dressed it up, through meditation and self-reflection, before going out into the human world.

The physical river is a symbol, of course, and walking along it, staring at it, is merely a ritual. Like all rituals, it is designed to train the nervous system to memorise the state internally through physical sensors – as we are sensory creatures – and through repetitions – as we are boring creatures, and, in this case, to eventually create a parallel inner river.

When the flow of my inner river is blocked, I can’t carry on; I can’t carry on far. That’s probably why I tend to not share my personal problems with others if I am interested in finding a solution, for people tend to project their own negativity when presented with what they perceive as negative. Damn, some people listen to someone’s joyful tone and turn it into a problem, for the devil’s sake!

I am matched with solutions when I am calm and I trust, when I’m in a flow state, and not the other way around, as in working so hard to find solutions to reach calm and trust, so it makes sense to me to retreat to realign my pretty body with my pretty soul along my pretty river, internally or otherwise, though I still need to recharge the internal image of it with the physical version from time to time, especially if it keeps being blocked!

If I talk to people when I’m dealing with my personal problems, Paris, I want a conversation that brings me back to my flow state. At least one that doesn’t throw me further out of it. It’s not so much about the topics; it’s about perspectives. When I talk to you, I want to stare at your river.

londres, le 7 juin 2026

je t’embrasse !

d.o.