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Bonjour Paris !

Edinburgh is sunny and cloudy, the mist has been lifted. You are far in a different continent at the moment, and here I am: feeling free and in love, decidedly. 

I love you, Paris. And I have been tested as if the universe wanted to see how badly I want you. I want you badly, alright. But in the process of wanting you and feeling you are already mine, I have also figured out why I want you, and that is so that I feel free and in love. 

I want to be with you, Paris. And I have been tested with relationships and means that gave the illusions of our guaranteed union. I could have been Schengened up. I could have had more than one place to stay for free – or seemingly so. But these relationships – romantic or otherwise, these means – artistic or otherwise have asked me to sacrifice a big part of the goal, probably the only part of the goal that matters: the correct emotion, the feeling free and in love.

If you know me you know I don’t trade. When I give something, even a piece of me, I give it without reservation, without expecting a flake of you in return – it simply is a pleasure. I expect the same when I receive something, even a piece of you: a pleasure. If it’s wrapped in toxicity or negativity – both the same thing; if you take the pleasure away, you can give it to the next girl. Unconditional love is a pleasure, not a struggle.

It took me a hell of a journey to decide what I truly want. And it took me multiple heavens of a journey to decide that the means does not matter as long as it feels correct. As long as I don’t lose my alignment with my true self, my inner being, my beliefs, my principles, my heart – whatever you want to call it, there is no risk and any means is welcome. 

In fact, surprise me – I expect it! 

But beyond feeling free and in love is mediocre, beyond feeling free and in love is imprisonment. 

Yes, I have had my ups and downs – more ups than downs, but I have trained myself to be so in touch with my heart I can see it so clearly when I’m out of sync with it. I trust myself and I’m no longer anxious to explain myself and my choices to others.

Feeling free and in love isn’t an exclusive emotion; it is the top one for me. It is the peak that if it is achieved it means everything below it has been taken care of, it means everything below it is just a means. And although I have revealed for myself shortcuts to getting there, I didn’t take a shortcut to get to wanting it as a goal. I am known to my heart as someone who has experimented with a lot of paths, chasing and securing all the other things – motherhood, relationships, money, career, you name it.

When I finally achieved one thing and not the others I didn’t achieve pleasure, because it’s so damn hard to focus on more than one thing at a time, right? And I used to be willing to give anything to get what I wanted! I traded, even my heart, my alignment, albeit unknowingly. 

And when one by one the things I achieved were falling apart, I was left with nothing but an exciting question: why did I want all these things in the first place? I asked a question and I found the answer, Paris. 

They are all means. Now I can focus on one thing, on the actual goal. You’re damn right: feeling free and in love. When I feel free and in love, it means everything is taken care of. When I feel free and in love, the universe just has to adjust to give me everything that matches that emotion. 

I do want you, Paris. And the next time someone asks why I still haven’t moved to Paris, I’ll say I already live in Paris; I just don’t live the way others do.

I love you, Paris. But perhaps you weren’t so much the goal as you were one of the means. Perhaps you are both. To love is to decide to do the work; to feel free and in love is the work and the result.

édimbourg, le 12 juillet 2026

je t’embrasse !

d.o.