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Can I be honest with you, Paris?

Can I really say to you the truth – the humiliating truth, without worrying about what you or everyone thinks about me?

I can’t be with you right now so I have asked Sandy to send me a video of your river Seine with JR’s upcoming art installation “Caverne du Pont-Neuf”, currently covering most of your oldest bridge with stone print, to soothe me.

I always say I’m an open book and I have nothing to hide, but I sometimes wonder if that only applies to facts and things that are relevant to each and every one of you. Are my feelings facts? Are they relevant to each and every one of you? Can I be honest about them too? And always?

I’ve learned that ultimately there is never a risk to being true to yourself, because losing yourself is the only risk that matters, ultimately. And so off I walked from situations that required me to betray my principles, my ideology, my philosophy. Not without a fight, of course. But surely, I am more than my principles, ideology and philosophy – am I?

My feelings and emotions I still at times find myself betraying, albeit often unintentionally, by putting them aside, by filtering them to make others feel more comfortable, especially, ironically, in my romantic connections, where I always aspire to open myself the most.

Then my principles and philosophy would finally kick in so strongly and I would burst with courage and honesty for the sake of fairness and freedom. So that others could make decisions based on all the available information, unfiltered information. So that, hopefully, others could provide me with all the available information, unfiltered information, too, without relying on me to do the lengthy research and observation beyond necessity because the unfiltered information is withheld from me.

I get it – my unfiltered information is intense and, from my limited experienced of feeling loved or accepted, I know that scares people away. In fact, my intensity and outrageous honesty almost guarantee a connection breakdown. But do I wish to learn to filter myself and dim my lights for the sake of peace? No – it wouldn’t be peace; it would be repression. I am intense and outrageous, but I’m not extreme, even with my old-fashioned all-or-nothing-at-all mentality. I may never compromise, or again, but I’m capable of negotiation, if only others hold honesty and communication as important as I do.

I’m sure you do. And I will always try to understand when you can’t show that you do. Come to think about it, my principles and philosophy are the things that often cause me a heartbreak. But might as well, as they’re also the very things that put me back together again. Stronger, even softer, that my heart does not break that much or take too long to mend these days.

Perhaps one day my heart will become so strong, so soft, that it will never break again, even for a moment. Perhaps one day all my heart does is love and understand, love and understand. So that it can stay open, always. Perhaps it hasn’t even broken again this time. Perhaps it just aches, from the possibility of not having extended enough understanding to others, from the irrational yearning to be loved that makes me human. Perhaps.

Can I be honest with you, Paris? Can I really say to you the truth – the humiliating truth, without worrying about what you or everyone thinks about me? Without you leaving me alone under the London’s spring’s sun with the wild tides of the Thames away from your Seine to soothe me?

Can I be honest with you, Paris? That once again, because of love, my heart is breaking. That once again, because of love, my heart is mending. At the same time. That, because of love, my heart is still open, always.

londres, le 24 mai 2026

je t’embrasse !

d.o.