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I’m still here, Paris. In wet London imagining it’d be a different weather, or at least a different wetness, over there. What does it matter? Does the weather out there really matter? Well, only to the extent of how it affects the weather within me, I suppose. And I can get it under control when I’m not distracted.

I’ve been distracted, Paris, by your beautiful buildings, by the good pastry that even someone who always prefers rice over bread like me craves in the morning, by your arts – no arguments about that, by the people around me there, by Jonny. They all make me dream, dream of you, dream of being with you. I’ve dreamt so hard that it seems like I’d do whatever it takes to make it happen.

But I won’t. The weather within me has been messy and my body has been trying to tell me something isn’t right. The long stay visa appointment is in three days, could it be that I just got cold feet? After all this hard work by myself getting all the documents ready, the invitation letter printed and signed (albeit a few minutes before I left you yesterday, as if I needed another sign), and suddenly I just want to back off my Paris dream like a scared little kid? Don’t worry, I investigated that for you! The answer is no. I am being brave and I am taking full responsibility of our life together, Paris – or at least of my own life. In fact, this visa business has nothing to do with you and me. I still have my British passport to go in and out of you for 90 days every 180 days without a visa – I just have to bloody count!

I’m just not ready to use a means that doesn’t belong to me. Sure anyone could offer you a ride, and you could pretend to agree with the driver whatever they say until you get to your destination, but a relationship isn’t a ride. And it isn’t a ride I need. I can walk. At least walking with myself I know for sure I will always be in alignment. Broken I may be inside, but the truth and values holding all these pieces together will be intact. Broken but intact, I imagine myself walking along the Seine, or some unknown stream, somewhere, with a full-bodied smile from my heart to my face, and perhaps a little dance every now and then too. Like someone in love, like someone free, for I’ll be one with clarity.

No means, no dream is worth losing myself, Paris. Not even you. It would have been counter-productive to drop my values to be in a place that helped me forge these values many years ago, to drop myself to find myself. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to firmly decide when I already knew something was not right. I wanted to observe, I wanted to be sure, I didn’t want to be quick to judge. And I’ve been distracted, Paris, by your beautiful facade, by your lights, by the weather outside. And I’m not dropping you. It’s just time for me to look inside. As Jung said, “One who looks outside, dreams; one who looks inside, awakens”. It is time for me to awaken, and walk with my eyes open. Walk with your eyes open; si jamais, t’as ton coeur.

londres, le 7 décembre 2025
je t’embrasse!
d.o.