Here’s the truth. I’m scared. I’m so scared I can’t stop biting my (unpolished) nails. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I mean, being a DIY goddess and riding the tubes for lovely dates with friends are cute, but I’m just floating around. When I get back to my London flat, alone, going through the motions of time, a millisecond at a time, I just get so lost that sometimes it feels like my heart stops beating at all,
that I stop existing.
The flat was empty four (four?!) weeks ago, and the last tenant left it in such a state that it needed repainting, recarpeting and all. When I heard this, I immediately raised my hand and offered to paint the walls for a London living experience in return. So off I went to London with a suitcase—okay, a suitcase and lots of extra boxes, because a girl needs proper outfit options when away for a week—and the most uncomfortable futon mattress from the laundry room.
Now, once I start working on something, I can get it done quickly. I can paint a 4×4 room within two hours, for example. The problem is…. when I take a break it could take two weeks, two months, two years—in fact, I think I’ve spent most of my existence on earth taking a break.
A week into painting, and a lot of breaks, I braved myself to pitch an idea to the authority: that I would like to stay in the flat indefinitely and rent out the bedroom to selected strangers (read: any paying stranger). I was so excited that my idea came out like sunshine and I won the deal. Was there even a deal, or was there even a winning, there? Now I just don’t know what I’m doing. ‘I can do London!’ has quickly turned into ‘what was I thinking?’
Perhaps I tend to get excited with an idea and pour out all my energy, all my being, into a project at once that once I stop I feel the exhaustion all at once too and I will just go back to thinking, to being frustrated about things.
I can call it an excuse—just so that you can’t, but I do have a lot to think about and, as I keep saying to the children, thinking, and solving problems, take more energy than doing physical jobs. Does my thinking solve my problems though? The answer is: don’t know, don’t care (insert an appropriate emoji of your choice).
I’m scared, alright—don’t ask questions! If you’re about to ask ‘is it true what I heard that you blah blah blah?’ the answer is: yes, it’s all true, let me get on with my amazing life! I’m currently having to do both the thinking and the physical jobs. I mean, those flat packs won’t just turn into cool industrial furniture by being tapped twice; and those bills won’t disappear just by being swiped up or down, unfortunately—instagram era who?
No job (looking for a dream one), no plans (apart from writing to feel less lonely), no vision—wait, I thought there was a vision? Oh right—sold it on eBay to top up Oyster card! Listed some pieces of my self-esteem there too, actually. Go check them out and help a fellow hungry brat:
Acne Studios Denim Jacket | Saint Laurent Canvas Backpack | Isabel Marant Check Hat | Isabel Marant Check Skirt | Castañer Pink Wedges Espadrilles | Isabel Marant Bekett |Gucci Glitter Sneakers |Saint Laurent ‘Jane’ Sandals|Valentino ‘Tango’ Pumps
I admit I am lazy and full of self-pity at times–what’s a libra without these qualities anyway, but I am addicted to change, to growth, all the time. If only I could just watch things or myself change and grow all the time, I would. Unfortunately, sometimes I have to make the change and strive to grow.
The thing is sometimes, when I feel ready to take action and make a change, I’m just running out of (my 30GB allowance) mobile data and BT Internet keeps changing the internet installation date. You do understand my frustration now; you’ve seen videos of me trying to steal free wi-fi connection from the cheap pub next door by leaning out of the window of my flat, risking my life, gasping for air (connection).
Damn, I’m running out of words to say. There are so many things I would love to say, but this is London under pressure so let me just stand outside the cheap pub next door and post this to you, wherever you are, to lift me up (by depressing you—sorry and thank you!)
Je t’embrasse !
d.o., 24 avril 2018
Shop the pink linen scarf HERE and the rest of the looks HERE
Imagined Paris 